This post is an introduction to a few future posts to put them into a personal context.
I realise that most of my posts seem to be about other people’s work, workshops and exhibitions I’ve been to, lectures etc. Rather than my own work…. Also, that when I do post I don’t include a great deal of analysis… certainly not the analysis that goes on in my head when I am working or thinking about work…
I also still use a note book and pencil/ pen to write down all the little bits which float about in my head and so on…I’m still really interested in the difference between how I write on here ... more a diary but with lots of the most significant things missing maybe…. and my notebook which is where I work through ideas in a different way… (How) and make list of things/ records of important information .. a practical resource in a way that this in not..
There is a difference still for me between the haptic quality of the notebook, smell etc which is not the same as being in my studio but is somewhat similar.
It removes me from ‘ here’ to ‘there’
At the moment I am finding it hard to get ‘there’ enough.
Especially as this desktop is in my dining room and so has a domestic link which does not help.
My laptop is not as easy to use as this but was good for working when resting in bed and for in the studio ( despite no Broadband in the studio and phone tether dodgy…. must get a booster!)
Anyway , I realised that I have actually been doing a lot but just not writing about it on here.
There are some reasons for that ( ie. I didn’t know what I was doing, I was cautious about some of my investigations and their sensitivity to members of the public) but some is also about ME!
Its about ME and my tendency to be unwittingly secretive and uncomfortable with sharing information.
If I am doing something which I feel is very important to me and therefore very personal, I keep it to myself.
This is going to sound like some sort of post- therapy revelation but it IS relevant to me and my work and how I show it.
I have discussed briefly with Jonathan in an early tutorial that I often make work which I do not show and that maybe invisible or almost..
I wasn’t sure if this was the nature of the work or because i lacked courage or skill to show it.
Also there has always been the question of audience…..
I love to work with the public and communities and am very happy to do this and share experience, collaboratively.
BUT I have since childhood, kept other things close to my chest.
The personal stuff, the way I feel about things.
I may act subversively in lots of ways but not that obviously.
WELL, this is now relevant to my work.
One of the things we are encouraged to do is to answer the question ” Who was I when I made this work?”
A tricky question for me at 58.
I have been so many ‘me’s’!! and some of them have lacked the power to be explicit in my intention.
It is difficult when you don’t realise why you were doing something until after has been done.
Now, with the work I am doing the issues of ‘secrecy’, non-disclosure,’performance’ of a role in a community are relevant.
Especially as this is not done with any overt intentionality…..???
I am unsure what I truly think and feel and maybe this is what I want to highlight..
The confusion dilemmas, the immediate feelings and the deeper associations and less dominant but still powerful emotions that affect us in conflicting ways when faced with ideologies which we feel antagonistic to but which are displayed in situations which we feel comfortable in and are familiar to us.
I am not making any sense but doing what I said I didn’t do on this Blog!!!! ( Hypocrit)
Just working things through in my head.
This Hypocrisy is important I think…it is a treachery of the self!
Some of the posts I make in the future, as well as the video links, will be Private, until I have worked through some of these issues.